But all I felt was the burden of even greater responsibility. I didn't want any such responsibility. At home, though each of us became expert at giving each other dead arms, we bickered far more than we actually fought, though we did so endlessly and, as we got older, our warring became more psychological, and ugly with it.
I know now that all he really wanted from me was friendship, but as the older sibling, friendship was the last thing I needed from him, my overbearing anchor. Summer holidays were the worst.
While my working mother left us home alone during the day — as did all the parents of all my friends, au pairs conspicuous by their absence in our corner of south-east London — the days dragged on interminably, she imploring me to keep an eye on him, to make sure he didn't get up to mischief, when mischief was all I really wanted to get up to myself. There were intermittent amnesties, of course, periods when we managed to put our differences aside and come together in something approaching harmony.
These occurred during my mother's frequent bouts of depression. We knew that she was depressed when the housework went ignored she was ordinarily a cleanliness freak , and so in these times we became a fully functioning unit, working in tandem for our mutual benefit. It was the only way we knew to try to bring back a smile to our mother's face. But it didn't last and we soon fell back into our by now habitual ways.
Doesn't everyone? In adulthood, something curiously distinct happened to us. I entered into a kind of second childhood, vigorously embracing the sudden absence of familial responsibility, while he had his career in place by the age of 21, and also a mortgage. He would go on to marry his childhood sweetheart, and become a decent, respectable citizen. Every so often we would, at my mother's behest read: pleading , all meet up for a meal — in a restaurant, amid the safety of other people — in the hope that grown-up harmony had at last found us, but by now we were to one another the kind of people we would cross the road to avoid.
At best, we had nothing to say to one another; at worst, there were all manner of disagreements to enter into, and so we did. My mother grew dispirited; respective girlfriends were not impressed.
The last time I saw him was in November , when my mother died of cancer. By now living in America and working in IT, he had flown over for the funeral and stayed on in London for a week afterwards while we went about the protracted business of tying up her affairs.
If a week is a long time in politics, then for unloving brothers it's a hellish eternity. This final amnesty lasted for the day of the funeral itself, by which time we had exhausted one another's mettle, leaving us only with tiresomely old hostilities, and a shared sense of shock over who we had become in the intervening years.
He was by now a successful professional who smoked cigars and couldn't believe I didn't know which version of Microsoft Word my computer ran on. He considered me irresponsible and foolishly carefree, a year-old without a pension. His last day in London was a memorable one, my then girlfriend now wife holding us apart as we squared up to each other, fists raised.
A decade on, I am now a father myself. And though geography saves my family from coming into further conflict with his, I do worry that I shall pass these miserably dysfunctional behavioural patterns down to my two daughters, aged four and two, something I desperately want to avoid.
Moderate levels of sibling rivalry are a healthy sign that each child is able to express his or her needs or wants. While sibling rivalry is a natural part of growing up, many factors can affect how well your children get along with each other — including age, sex and personality, the size of your family, whether it's a blended family, and each child's position in it.
For example:. As your children get older, the way they interact is likely to change. While younger children tend to fight physically, older children are more likely to have verbal arguments. Competitiveness between siblings typically peaks between ages 10 and However, sometimes sibling rivalry can continue on into adulthood.
All siblings are bound to fight, tease and tattle on one another at some point. Take steps to encourage healthy sibling relationships:. Sibling rivalry often isn't an issue for multiples. While twins or other multiples might compete against each other, the children typically also depend on each other and develop close relationships early on. However, they might have problems maintaining their individuality. Twins are often treated as a unit, rather than two children who have unique personalities.
It can be tempting to dress them alike and give them the same toys. If you have multiples, pay attention to their different needs and try to foster individuality. Other children in a family with multiples might feel left out or jealous since they're not part of this unique relationship.
If you have multiples and other children, spend special one-on-one time with each of your kids. Also, encourage your multiples to play separately with other children. Being able to be apart is a skill from which your children will benefit as they get older.
Remember, all siblings fight or argue. Sibling rivalry is normal. However, by treating your children as individuals, listening to them and giving them opportunities to resolve their own problems, you'll lay the groundwork for solid sibling relationships. Otherwise, the fight can escalate again. If you want to make this a learning experience, wait until the emotions have died down. Don't put too much focus on figuring out which child is to blame. It takes two to fight — anyone who is involved is partly responsible.
Next, try to set up a "win-win" situation so that each child gains something. When they both want the same toy, perhaps there's a game they could play together instead. Page 3 Helping Kids Get Along Simple things you can do every day to prevent fighting include: Set ground rules for acceptable behavior. Tell the kids to keep their hands to themselves and that there's no cursing, no name-calling, no yelling, no door slamming. Solicit their input on the rules — as well as the consequences when they break them.
This teaches kids that they're responsible for their own actions, regardless of the situation or how provoked they felt, and discourages any attempts to negotiate regarding who was "right" or "wrong.
Be proactive in giving your kids one-on-one attention directed to their interests and needs. For example, if one likes to go outdoors, take a walk or go to the park. If another child likes to sit and read, make time for that too. Make sure kids have their own space and time to do their own thing — to play with toys by themselves, to play with friends without a sibling tagging along, or to enjoy activities without having to share Show and tell your kids that, for you, love is not something that comes with limits.
Let them know that they are safe, important, and loved, and that their needs will be met. Have fun together as a family. Whether you're watching a movie, throwing a ball, or playing a board game, you're establishing a peaceful way for your kids to spend time together and relate to each other.
This can help ease tensions between them and also keeps you involved. Since parental attention is something many kids fight over, fun family activities can help reduce conflict.
If your children frequently squabble over the same things such as video games or dibs on the TV remote , post a schedule showing which child "owns" that item at what times during the week. But if they keep fighting about it, take the "prize" away altogether.
If fights between your school-age kids are frequent, hold weekly family meetings in which you repeat the rules about fighting and review past successes in reducing conflicts. Consider establishing a program where the kids earn points toward a fun family-oriented activity when they work together to stop battling. Recognize when kids just need time apart from each other and the family dynamics. Try arranging separate play dates or activities for each kid occasionally. And when one child is on a play date, you can spend one-on-one time with another.
Page 4 Getting Professional Help In a small percentage of families, the conflict between brothers and sisters is so severe that it disrupts daily functioning, or particularly affects kids emotionally or psychologically.
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